Round Three

Being at home for Christmas was fantastic. We decorated the house a bit, made cookies (Anna is quite the baker, and Jill is very good at unwrapping, and eating, Hershey's Kisses), drove around looking at lights, and were among a handful of guests at a Gingerbread Making Luncheon at the Hyatt in Long Beach. The joyful moments that led up to Christmas were just as beautiful as Christmas itself. We went to a Presbyterian Church Service at St. Peter's By the Sea on Christmas Eve & the girls marvelled at the presentation of the Christmas Story by a bunch of kids just like them. Jill danced in the aisle much to the delight of fellow church-goers and Anna sat up front bravely among the other little people, none of whom she knew, and participated as best she could in the singing. After church, we went out to dinner. It was really nice to eat at a restaurant with our family intact, among VERY few people, and not have to clean up our mess :) Christmas morning was so relaxing....the girls were excited to find the plate of Santa's crumbs (among which were half-eaten carrots for the reindeer, an orange peel for Santa's elf "Shinglyschmoop", and an apple core that Santa himself left, all because Anna thought Santa should be eating "healthy snacks, not just sugar"...that's my brainwashed girl). The first presents they opened were socks (as I explained to Anna, sometimes Santa brings you what you want, sometimes he brings you what you NEED)....Anna halfheartedly tossed hers aside, "Oh, socks." while Jill danced around the room with a huge grin & her socks bunched under her chin, "Oh, sots! Sots! I yuv sots!!!" (Difference in age? Personality? Both?) Anna perked up a little later when she opened a package of underwear......High School Musical Underwear. The morning went so smoothly....each girl would play with her toy or read her book right after opening...there was no rush. We didn't need to ransack the place or hurry up to reach the end. It seemed there WAS no end. After a few presents, we stopped for breakfast, omelets & scrumptious homemade cinnamon rolls made with love by our friend, Renee (whose family celebrates Christmas with that tradition each year). Then back to gifts....there were so many from friends & family....Nutcrackers of the Lion/TinMan/Scarecrow, a dress up trunk filled with fancy schmancy dresses & accessories, books, trains, the Nutcracker Theater Book/Paper Dolls, Colorform Dresses for Princesses, art supplies, dolls.....Santa was extremely good to our girls this year, thanks to all of you. After lunch, Jill took a nap, and Anna & I walked to a few friends' houses to deliver cookies. We joined our San Pedro family, Dina, Jim, James & Mikayla, for dinner at their house. The girls had a blast, as usual. Jill really sees them as her surrogate family (as does Anna). They are just such wonderful people. It was a magnificent holiday. And the first that we've spent as a family of 4 in our own home! We were where we should have been this day.

Day after Christmas brought the dread of going back to the hospital. I was having a rough day, feeling tired & run down from all the excitement & lack of sleep (my own fault), and as I've told many of you, for me, the anticipation of a dreaded event is usually way worse than the actual event. Jill was her typical jolly self, but Anna had various "problems" throughout the day that earned her time out after time out, which led to her stating she was going to get out a gun and shoot me, which led to me spanking her, which led to me feeling guilty for spanking her (even after she laughed in my face & said that it didn't even hurt), which led to an out-of-control spiral downward for the both of us until we landed in the hospital (that sounds pretty bad, huh) face to face in Jill's new (old) room hugging, crying (me) and saying goodbye for the night. I told her I was sorry I spanked her but I just didn't understand why she said what she did. She nodded, patted me on the shoulder & went on a little rant about wearing a hat versus wearing a hood. As she was leaving with Matt & I was sobbing because I just had the worst day & just didn't want to do this anymore & Matt was hugging me saying I was the best mom & the best wife he could ask for (what does that say about HIS standards?), I said, "Why am I the only one crying here?" Anna looked up at me with a smirk, shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah, why are you crying? This is a 'little thing'," parroting back what we always say when she goes on about perceivably insignificant traumas. Good lesson.

Rewind: when we were sitting in the car waiting for Jim & Matt to lug 3 loads of stuff up to our room, Anna in her carseat asleep, exhausted from fighting with her 32 year-old mother, and Jilli bundled in her jammies & winter coat in my lap in the front seat, excited to be "at the wheel" for the very first time!!, we were listening to Jack Johnson's Lullaby CD, and I was crying, not even trying not to...I mean, I'd been doing that all day, why stop then?....Jilli took my face in her hands & looked SO imploringly into my eyes (like a SAGE...she was freaking me out), and said, "Mommy, don't be sad. Why you sad?" I offered the real reason to her (like she was going to get it or something), "Well, Jill, I'm sad because, today, we go back to the hospital, and you won't get to be home with your sister anymore for awhile, and I'm going to miss you being at home." And she said (like she totally DID get it), "Don't be sad about my hapitoh (hospital). I be here with you. Close you eyes." I closed my eyes. She brushed her baby hands down each of my cheeks. "Open you eyes." I opened them. "You feel bettuh?" I said I did. "You be happy Mommy. I yuv you."

Which brings us to today. Jill sailed through her bone marrow biopsy & spinal tap like a trooper. (Won't know the results until next week, but I'm assuming the best, and that's rare for me.) She woke up all loopy & scattered as usual, it's fun to watch....she's just like herself, only more mellowed out. She hugs everybody even more, and holds on longer. It's sweet. One of the nurses in recovery today (Janel) said that she wonders if how kids are coming out of sedation is any indication of how they'd be intoxicated as adults. Jill would be the one at the bar buying shots for everybody & kissing the bums in the alley. Janel was called to be a bone marrow donor yesterday, by the way. She'll know in 3 weeks if she's chosen, and will keep me posted on her experience. I'm excited to see how it turns out. What an honor. I got goosebumps when she told me.....

The San Pedro Bone Marrow Drive is a week from Saturday. A reporter from "More", our local Pedro paper, is coming to the hospital tomorrow at 10am for an interview. Hopefully the article will be in Saturday's paper so that the drive can be hyped. So many people have put so much work into getting the word out, fundraising, and supporting this effort. We are so impressed with the lot of you.

I've been getting a lot of positive feedback from people about how Matt & I are handling this. More about me, because I'm the one who puts it all out there in public (Matt is the strong, silent type). I appreciate the kind words & encouragement, but I certainly do NOT feel I am handling this well at times. There are a select (lucky) few who get to see me broken & out of my head about all of this. It's hard to reveal that side to people. I actually only do on occasion because I can't avoid it....I'm getting better at not feeling bad about feeling bad, but I'd still really like to keep up the facade that I am sailing through this storm with a smile on my face. Maybe it will comfort some of you to know that it is, in fact, a facade. Kind of like people (me included....in a big way) who send out photos of themselves and their families...in every photo, there are smiles, & laughter & hugs & kisses, & sunshine & daisies. Are some families just happier than others? Heck no. You think I'm going to send pictures of me losing it on my 4 year old? Or completely unproductive for a 3 hour stint on the couch in front of the dumb tv while my kids pull each other's hair out & wreck the house for lack of attention? Or snorting cocaine while downing a 5th of vodka (oh crap, I wasn't supposed to let that cat out of the bag)????? Yep. So, human to human, thank you for caring enough to read my journal. If I haven't thanked you personally for your card, gift, or service to help my family through this yet, don't hold your breath. There's too many of you!!!!! It never ends!! But seriously, we appreciate each & every act of kindness, and will send them back out into the universe when this weight has been lifted from our shoulders. We promise.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday. Now go outside and breathe in some fresh air for me!