Over the Hump

On the heels of Day 20 for this delightful hospital stay, here is how the past 5 days have gone....Jill's fever, which started on Wednesday and finally went away Saturday, was caused by a bacterial infection in one of her lumens (IV lines)....it was a strand of strep and got into her bloodstream through the line. Could've been introduced from the outside, maybe a line wasn't cleaned well enough before it was hooked up to a med, or it could've just been brewing inside her body & she was unable to fight it this time....it's a common occurence with these kids in this stage of the game, and could be deadly....like, if they hadn't gotten her fever under control (it got up to 104.5 a few times). But they started her on 3 hardcore antibiotics (in addition to the 3 she's been on every day since October) as soon as she spiked & gave her Tylenol and this miracle ibuprofen drug called Trilisite (when the Tylenol wasn't working), which always brought it down. She was pretty miserable for 3 days...not really moving much (VERY unlike her), but is now back to her old feisty self. She will be on all these drugs for at least until Wed (and if blood cultures are still positive then, for another week)....we don't know when we'll be leaving this time, but likely no sooner than Wednesday, and even more likely, longer than that.

My thanks to all the people who responded to my cries for help. Even saying you can't but wish you could, meant a lot to me. Thanks to those who offered help right away and to those who came to keep me company while I struggled with being stuck in here. Lisa, thank you for lunch & your great company....Jamila, thank you for offering to stay with Jill all morning, if she hadn't been so sick, I would have taken you up on it in a heartbeat..I have your email, you'll be hearing from me, BET :)....and Kristen & Michelle (who stayed for 5 hours!), I enjoyed our crazy conversations more than you know :)

As hard as it is to be here, there of course are bright spots....the other parents we are in contact with daily, and the wonderful nurses and Child Life friends. Wow. I feel I've established life-long friendships with a lot of these people (probably every parent feels that way), but I truly look forward to the days when certain nurses are working :) One, in particular, who works nights always makes me feel like I can do this. We don't spend too much time talking about "this", but she just is so sweet and loving and compassionate, and well-intentioned and FUN (and one of Jill's hand-down favorites)...I just really feel better when she's in the room. I couldn't do this if I couldn't talk about it every day with SOMEONE face to face. They make me feel I can (and should) do that. Although, I have to say, that it's trying to be having a hard time with so many people around. People who I usually talk and joke with....when I am feeling hurt or tired or angry, and can't keep it under wraps, I almost HAVE to broadcast my feelings because I'm living in a fishbowl. Bawling on the phone with Matt about the state of our union, having people walk in and out every 20 minutes to start/stop meds, check lines, take vitals.....man, nothing is personal. And sometimes I really want it to be. I don't like being the one whose problems are everybody's business. Yet I open myself up for that with my personality being what it is.l No one ever asks Matt what's wrong when he's quiet...he's always quiet. When I'm quiet, "Oh my gosh, what's wrong? You're not smiling...are you okay?" Maybe I should stop smiling. Take a page from a pensive person's book. Introvert. Stop laughing. I could do that. I could try. So next time you see me sulking, just keep in mind that maybe that's just "how I am" and go on about your business. Man, why does this have to be all about me??? Focus change.....

Anna has been playing basketball for the past month or so and she's kicking some butt (with her effort, at least). She's learning how to dribble and to stand her ground with those pushy boys. The only girl on the team has the strongest personality...nothing shakes her. I'm so proud of her. The situation we're in continues to be really hard for her. She wants nothing more than to have us all together in the same place all the time. She wants mommy & daddy both to come to her games....both to sit at the dinner table with her...both to tuck her in. This must be what separation/divorce feels like to a kid. It's so terribly sad, yet we find ourselves getting so exasperated with her over her reaction to it. Because we are doing our best and we can't find a way to make it any easier for her. We've debated sending her to Missouri for a week during Jill's last hospital stay, to give her a fun adventure, playing with her cousins & being with her grandparents every day, while relieving some of the stress we feel having to get to her....but we're torn....would she feel abandoned? Sent away? Unloved by us? Would we feel terrible with her being gone? Guilty? Sad? Regretful? Anyway, I wish we could meet Anna in 13 years so she could tell us how she wished we had done this or that differently....save her some scarring, but I feel that whatever we do we are destined to screw up our kids in one way or another. I know every thing that is wrong with me is MY mom's fault (sorry, Mom)...that's just they way it usually goes....the one we love the most, that meant the most to us, that was most instrumental in our upbringing, is usually the one who gets blamed for things when they don't work out. I'm also sleep-deprived, so maybe it's just that.

Jill is still into her play-acting. I bought her a Princess Theater book so she can act out 3 plays with paper dolls, and she DOES...with incredible accuracy, and inflection (I might actually try to get her in commericals when this is all over with). My favorite is the scene she plays out over and over lately....she is the Prince, and I'm Snow White. I lay down & close my eyes, and she kisses me on the lips (I'm the only one who is allowed to do that by the way...ha, ha!). I wake up, she says, "It's twue yuv's fuhst kiss!" and we get married :) My Prince is asleep now...I think I should follow suit.....