'S all about Me

Okay, so I'm really ready to get back to business & get this cancer thing taken care of once & for all. We've been home for just over 2 weeks now. A good thing in that Jill has been getting stronger & stronger by the day (not that she's really all that weak, even on chemo), she has gotten to spend a lot of quality time with her sister (albeit a lot of it has been with her teeth in Anna's shoulder, back, or chest....I tell Anna repeatedly, if you don't want Jill to bite you, don't say, "Okay Jill, I'm going to try & catch you & when I do, BITE ME."), and we have all had the opportunity (although some of us are too stupid to take it...that would be me) to get really good sleep without the constant interruption & discomfort of hospital life. But I'm so incredibly bored. We have gone a few places, but for the most part, have stayed indoors & laid low. The doctor questioned why we were keeping Anna home from preschool (she only goes 2 days a week now, and we actually only kept her home 2 days...she returned last week) & we reminded her of the dangers of Jill getting sick & that preschools are crawling with germs....we thought she'd be pleased we were taking every precaution. She laughed, shook her head, and said, "You can't live in a bubble", and I insisted, "Oh yes we can. For 2 or 3 more months....if it gives Jill a better shot at survival. Oh yes, we can." It's a little (sometimes a lot) frustrating that these medical professionals scare the living poop out of you with tales of kids ending up in the ICU because they contracted a fever, and in the same breath, make you feel like you're a looney for doing everything in your power to keep that from happening. "If she comes down with something, it will likely be from bacteria in her own body". Okay....BUT if Anna brings home hand-foot-mouth disease from school and Jill succumbs to THAT, then well, maybe keeping Anna home wasn't such a bad idea. I'm pulling the "I'll do what I think is best because I'm the mom" card & if you want to joke about how worrying is my favorite past-time (I was so pissed off at that...yes, I just LOVE to worry....it's FUN for me) and that the big deals you warned me about are only big deals in my HEAD, you have a good time. Guess you can't always be delighted with your doctor. They're human too. And extremely over-worked. But I can't sit back (like I stupidly thought I could at first) and expect these doctors, nurses, social workers, or other medical staff to save my kid. Part of that...a big part...is the parents' job. We had a few really terrible experiences with nurses close to the end of this last visit....a few too many gross errors prompted me to write a letter to the Nursing Coordinator (fortunately it was well-received & attended to immediately) AFTER I requested (over the course of one day) a complete and VERY thorough training on every aspect of Jill's medical care....some of which I hadn't payed much attention to because I didn't think I had to. Unfortunately, one mistake can cost your kid her life. REALLY. So, like it or not.....well, let's just say, I want to get this over with, but am in no shape or form looking forward to going back into the world of "what is this med? why is she getting it? how many cc's in what strength solution how many times a day is it being administered? drip or push? what are the side effects? are there other drugs that may have less of those? if she experiences one of them, what drug does she get then? and what are the side effects of that? " and don't even get me started on butt cream, eyedrops, mouth sores....oh god, you name it. I'm feeling negative lately. The novelty has worn off & I just want to get out of this. Or maybe I'm just tired from too little sleep every night. It's that same reason. I lay down in the dark & think about the worst things you can imagine....and then the headache starts....and I can't sleep anyway, so why try unless I really know I can't not. Did I already say all this in another entry? If I can't remember, maybe you won't either. But I'm not writing this for you. Or am I? I read in a Parenting Magazine the other day that blogging is the new trend among parents (especially moms), and though they didn't mean this in a bad way, it is an extremely narcissistic practice. You know people are going to be reading it, so you write in a way that makes you look good. Have I been doing that? Maybe. It's no different than sending your friends pictures of you & your family in your best moments. "Aren't we the happiest family on the block? How lucky are we?" But then, how many people photograph moments they don't want to remember or don't want others to see? Just know that we all have them. Both the happy and the crappy. So whatever. If you're reading this, maybe I'm narcissistic.....but you're nosy. So there. Why am I going off on YOU? If I lose my audience, what am I but a rambling crazy lady talking to herself? In that case, why not just put all this junk into a private diary that I store safely in my dresser drawer? Because, I've NEVER kept a diary. I'm an exhibitionist! I don't care to write to myself. It's only interesting to me if it's interesting to someone else. Wow, this introspection is making me think I should get to sleep right now. I think I'm tired enough. Can't you tell? It's comforting to know I can go back tomorrow & erase all of this. But will I?

Narcissist Out.