Crazy

I'm so tired. Jill has woken up a few times since I finally got her down at 11pm (we were waiting for blood, so I kept her awake, but Matt reminded me of the burst of energy she gets from Red Blood Cell transfusions, so I asked the nurse to hold it till the morning). I think her tummy hurts, but I can't tell why. The nurses think we should just keep an eye on it.

My birthday was such a flop. Why do I care? I'm 33. I don't know....my birthday has always been important to me (I'm selfish that way..can you tell by the way I write?). Anyway, it began with the night before...Matt & I went to see "Juno" while Aunt Annie stayed with both girls at the hospital. That would've been great, but we got into some little spat about him not listening when I talk (I'm sure he had a side, but he's not the one blogging, so I win this one), ended up back at the hospital not speaking, and he & my aunt left. Anna was staying the night IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM for the first time (a big no-no, but the friend she was supposed to stay with overnight had a fever....Matt had to take Annie to the airport the next day at 5am, and there was no way we were going to ruin Anna's day like that..she is a BEAR in the morning and needs her sleep)......so I spent a good part of 2 hours trying to calm Anna down because she missed Daddy & didn't want to stay at the hospital (even though she was super hyped about it 4 hours earlier). I resorted to ignoring her, like I usually do, then barking at her about pulling it together, this is hard for everybody, deal with it......nothing works. I don't know what the hell I'm doing (obviously). Jill was weepy too....she's been out of sorts the past few days....just crabby and argumentative (hmmmm..I wonder who she gets THAT from.....), so I finally get them to bed....Jill in her lovely jail-style crib with the sides that could wake the dead (and they do, 5 times a night) and Anna in her tent on the mat, when the maintenance guy comes in.....you know, the one we called at 4pm to say our sink was backing up. It was 9:30 pm. I was so done. He says, "It'll only take a minute". He plunges like crazy, then something black crap goes flying into the air and splatters all over the mirror (and my toothbrush)...."This might take longer than I thought...." He gets down on hands and knees, opens the cabinet doors and starts pulling on pipes...."It's gonna smell bad....." Woah woah woah. "Wait. Should the kid with no defense mechanism be exposed to sewage right now?" He says, "Maybe you should ask your nurse. I can wait...." Nurse says absolutely not, leave the room. So everybody UP.....can't find anyone's shoes, they're both crying, Jill is now hooked up for her overnight fluids, so I'm carrying her while dragging a very bent out of shape Anna (who isn't used to late nights) down the hall to the playroom where we compete for quiet with video games and dirty children of visitors. One hour later, we're back in bed. They sleep great. I get nothing. Very tentative nurse who moves like sap dripping out of a tree (the kind that's TAPPED....Annie, that's for you :) and can't figure out how to lower the crib sides to save MY life. Leaves the door wide open when she comes in to slowly do her noisy thing, so I've got light in my face and loud guffawing/doors slamming/beeps beeping/drummers drumming (okay, maybe that didn't happen, but it sure sounded like it) every 2 hours or less. Oh yeah! And don't forget to test the fire alarms at 5am (like they do every other day at random times) for 30 minutes!! God help us if there is every a REAL fire in this place (more on that later....). On to this morning (or would that be yesterday morning at this nearly 3am point?)....my stupid birthday. How fun could I have expected it to be with Anna here? She and Jill together in a restrictive environment is a recipe for disaster. Every rule they can break, they try to, or complain loudly about how it's not fair that we can't climb onto the windowsill to watch the workers pouring ashpalt outside (which, coincidentally, I can smell....HEPA filtration, really???). No really, it wasn't that bad (for brief periods). They did okay (thanks to CiCi and Alison....nurses' aide & Child Life Specialist) who I think could read the look on my face ("take them for a few minutes or I'm bolting"). They both napped for an hour so I researched more on leukemia and found stuff that just made me cry. Maybe I was crying though, for other reasons. I cry all the time now. I didn't cry much in the beginning. I'm just so dang tired of this life. I read other people's blogs and they are so uplifting....maybe mine was even last month, but man.....I just can't do this anymore. Have to. Can't. Have to. Okay, have to. I just sent out an email begging for volunteers to relieve us for bits of time, but feel like crap now for doing it.....why can't I do this on my own? It's almost over right? It could be so much worse......wait, back to fire. So someone set a bagel on fire in the microwave (and never owned up to it), so as the girls are napping, I'm smelling this pungent awful death smell and getting so riled that we are inhaling asphalt from right outside our window (she would be so much safer at HOME)....I get off the computer, storm out into the hall and am engulfed in this creepy haze...."Somebody burnt something in the microwave," the secretary reports, "They're bringing up fans". I head back to the room, put a blanket in front of the door and shake my head in amazement at the circus I'm in. Matt shows up shortly after nap. I'm excited to be going home soon (after he spends an hour of one-on-one time with Anna in the Starlight Room...room for siblings to play when visiting, if they need a break from the unit). I'm thinking, "This time with Daddy will nearly ensure that Anna is cool with me for the night, although I'm never her first choice". Nope. She comes back to the room all excited and happy. I say, "What kind of night are we going to have Anna?" She says, "A great night!" I say, "Okay, say goodbye to Dad & Jilli." She looks stunned. "I thought Daddy was coming home.....(face gets all contorted)....I don't want YOU I want my DAAAAADDDYYYYYYY!" I'll delete the next 5 minutes so no one tries to committ me to the psych ward (I don't have time for that right now), but suffice it to say, I was pissed. I wanted to go home so bad. That was the only thing I really wanted on my birthday. To not be here the whole day and night. To get some good uninterrupted sleep. To get that burnt flesh smell out of my nose and eyes. Matt tried as hard as he could to calm her down, talk her through it (that's why he's the good guy). He even told her in no uncertain terms, "Anna, it's Mommy's birthday. She's going home with you," but honestly, I would have much rather stayed in this dump with a kid who enjoys my company than one who wishes I were the other parent. And truthfully, I would not have made that night fun for her. It was best I stay. So Jill and I ran around acting out our plays and discovered that if you hold the big bubble wand in front of the HEPA filter fan, you can totally fill the hallway with bubbles!!!!! That was cool....everybody who walked in those double doors for the next 40 minutes was greeted with happy. How can you not smile when you walk through a sea of bubbles????

The floor is full (we had 11 patients 2 days ago and nearly 24 today)....it is bustling and loud and a crazy zoo here. I will be very tired tomorrow morning (but what's new?). I have my happy baby and a few slivers of sanity left. For those who have marvelled up until now how I do this? You see?? Do you see?? We all knew it was coming.....

As Seal so marvelously puts it, "We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy". Oh, I'll be survivin', then. I'll outlive 'em all.