Nothing Nice to Say

My Mom always told me (maybe she heard it from your mom) that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Well, maybe that is why I haven't written anything in awhile. I haven't been feeling well due to the pregnancy. Physically and emotionally, I'm just extremely tired. I know the end is in sight, but I'm dreading this last month, feeling nauseous all the time and like someone slipped something in my drink (I could fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime). The girls fight...and I mean, knock down-drag out fights....about 80% of the time, and I'm just drained. I've gotten pretty good at completely ignoring their squabbles, but sometimes someone really gets hurt or one of them is REALLY doing something she should NOT be doing and I have to step in...so I feel like I'm correcting/ordering/scolding constantly. I'm not exercising and I'm eating junk because I'm too tired to prepare healthy, so body image is a big ugly thing...and it's only getting worse. I wish I could be excited about having another baby. Right now, I'm just trying to imagine how in God's name I will do this. So anyway, if I haven't returned your calls or called you to chat because you're my friend and that's what friends do....this is why. I'm down. I feel like I've been down this whole second half....I want to be the person from the first half....the person who had hope and who found lessons in every little thing. Ha. That didn't last long did it? Not that I don't have great joyful moments, they're just fewer and further between now. If I don't seem like myself when I see you in person, well, I'm not, and I'm sorry for that. We go back to the hospital on Wednesday night for one more month. It's only a month. But it's a month. 30 days with no privacy, having to dart out to the dirty disgusting hallway bathroom every 5 minutes, cuz that's how much I have to pee and I can't use the bathroom in our room when we're sharing one. 30 days of monotony....Jill flitting from one mundane, repetitive activity to another because SHE'S bored too. Chasing a cooped up little wild woman up and down the halls, fretting that she's gonna pull her line out because lately, she's just erratic in her movements and thinks its funny to push the limits as far as they'll go (don't blame her, but how can I keep up now?). Smelling the familiar and now nauseating smells of that awful food. Dealing with the varied personalities of so many doctors, nurses, parents, kids, and not being able to escape and hide (like I feel I'm doing now from even people I like). Having to keep that smile pasted on my face while I'm in the hallway with Jill and everyone is constantly walking by smiling at her and me and commenting on how "cute/funny/smart" she is....because if I don't, I get that look of concern and "what's wrong? how are you feeling?" 20 times a day. And what do I say to that? "I'm fine"????? "Oh nothing"????? "I'm miserable and want this nightmare to be over"????? Okay. And what does the nice volunteer/staff/parent who's going through the same hell say to that? "Oh honey, I'm sorry. It'll be okay. It's almost over?" No, I really don't want to hear that. Because that I know. It doesn't help. Not that I don't appreciate the concern, but you have no idea what I personally am going through. Easy for you to say. You swap places with me and do it for a week and watch how fast you sink. Ugh.....I'm sorry. I mean well, I just don't know how to be that way right now. Maybe just telling everyone I'm fine and saying positive things will force me to really feel that way. I'll keep trying.

So, was it worth it for me even to write this? Did I teach anyone anything? Did I learn anything myself? Am I better for it? Are you? Nope. But I thought I should explain my absence. And this is reality for me. Don't feel obligated to send me your good wishes.....I know you care and that you would take this from me in a second if you could. Truthfully, I'm embarassed that I'm not handling this (any of this) with a more positive attitude. I wish I could get there in my head. I'm hoping I will soon. If you want to know what you can do (as if you haven't already done enough).....come play with Jill at the hospital. She's on chemo and won't be feeling good Wed-Fri, so anytime after Saturday morning should be great (call first, just in case she's not doing well). If you're well, she would love someone to play princesses with her or read to her or just be interested in whatever she thinks is fun. And if you make a little dinner for your kids that night and have a little extra, she'd love some real food and sometimes I don't get around to making it the night before. Thank you for your continued support....it IS almost over. Sorry for my crappy attitude.