Don't know how long this post will be as Jill is due to wake up from her nap at any moment. I've been really feeling emotionally drained over the past few days...like, it's hard for me to smile & make eye contact, and speak up so I can be heard. I'm having a really hard time blocking out little distractions, like the tv on while someone is talking, or Anna's voice while I'm trying to type an email, or the lights on too brightly, or 3 kids dancing around & having a great time right in front of me. I had a sore throat when I woke up on Friday morning and because of that, Matt was Jill's primary caregiver from Thursday at 5 pm to Saturday at 8pm (at which time, our friend Jim kicked him out & stayed the night with Jill, because by then, Matt had it, too). Now, my sore throat seems better, but who knows? It's so hard to judge when you're contagious, sometimes....and she's so at-risk right now. If we had a choice, neither one of us would be here....but we have no one who can stay around the clock with her, and know how extremely taxing it would be on her emotionally to be without us, always assuming that we're going to come back at any moment...she's so little and dependent still. How much would that lower her immunity, to be sad because her parents left her....we don't know what to do. Anyway, I'm here now, and she just woke up....so I guess I'll finish this later.
Well, it's the next evening kind of later, and it's amazing to me still how much of an emotional roller coaster this is. I went from being completely down about this whole thing...the novelty had worn off...I was DONE....just wanted to get outta here, but they moved us to a private room because she was coughing so much, and that has made all the difference. Not having to share your space, your conversations, your light, your energy, the sink....not having to worry that your roomate or his/her nurse or visitors are going to wake your kid up when she really needs to sleep (can't tell you how many times "naptime" was cut short because the roommate got a gob of boisterous visitors....or all the fluorescent lights on the roommate's side slammed on and stayed on...can't blame them...we have the natural light from the window, they have nothing). And it's not as if people are being actively inconsiderate...they are just trying to get through this horrible situation themselves. I have all this angst towards them through the rough times, even knowing all of that, and get mad at myself for being so daft.
The lesson here is that, to be victorious over this monster, one must be flexible, understanding, and tolerant. If we get to the end of this torn up & angry, we will have missed the lesson. "Oh, how wise", you may say.....talk to me in the midst of struggling to hear the calming voice in the midst of all the chaos, and you will agree, that I am as raw and immature as anyone.
There are so many stories I wish to share, but do not have the time due to being the only one here with Jill until Matt is better (not including my wonderful support system....Michelle, Lisa, Jim, Dina, especially, who have convinced us that we need to rely on them sometimes....in a BIG way....and don't allow us to feel the least bit guilty for it).....I have so few breaks from this little sponge of a child. She wants to watch /learn /participate 24/7. At present, she is sitting in her bed, pretending to be stuck in the muck..."Hep! Tin Man! Hep! Dorsee! I stuck! Ge me out uh here! Oh, tanks. I so pwoud uh you!" when she should be asleep.....I do feel bad for leaving her to play on her own so much today....I've just been spent. I would've talked about me behind my back to another parent before all of this happened. Now I understand why parents sometimes (often) ignore their kids. So, anyone wanting to visit must know that I intend to make you my kid's playmate (without any facilitation from me) for at least half the time you're here. If you have the time, she has the energy....and she will make you use every last bit o' yours.
Please come play with her! Please!!!!!
Well, it's the next evening kind of later, and it's amazing to me still how much of an emotional roller coaster this is. I went from being completely down about this whole thing...the novelty had worn off...I was DONE....just wanted to get outta here, but they moved us to a private room because she was coughing so much, and that has made all the difference. Not having to share your space, your conversations, your light, your energy, the sink....not having to worry that your roomate or his/her nurse or visitors are going to wake your kid up when she really needs to sleep (can't tell you how many times "naptime" was cut short because the roommate got a gob of boisterous visitors....or all the fluorescent lights on the roommate's side slammed on and stayed on...can't blame them...we have the natural light from the window, they have nothing). And it's not as if people are being actively inconsiderate...they are just trying to get through this horrible situation themselves. I have all this angst towards them through the rough times, even knowing all of that, and get mad at myself for being so daft.
The lesson here is that, to be victorious over this monster, one must be flexible, understanding, and tolerant. If we get to the end of this torn up & angry, we will have missed the lesson. "Oh, how wise", you may say.....talk to me in the midst of struggling to hear the calming voice in the midst of all the chaos, and you will agree, that I am as raw and immature as anyone.
There are so many stories I wish to share, but do not have the time due to being the only one here with Jill until Matt is better (not including my wonderful support system....Michelle, Lisa, Jim, Dina, especially, who have convinced us that we need to rely on them sometimes....in a BIG way....and don't allow us to feel the least bit guilty for it).....I have so few breaks from this little sponge of a child. She wants to watch /learn /participate 24/7. At present, she is sitting in her bed, pretending to be stuck in the muck..."Hep! Tin Man! Hep! Dorsee! I stuck! Ge me out uh here! Oh, tanks. I so pwoud uh you!" when she should be asleep.....I do feel bad for leaving her to play on her own so much today....I've just been spent. I would've talked about me behind my back to another parent before all of this happened. Now I understand why parents sometimes (often) ignore their kids. So, anyone wanting to visit must know that I intend to make you my kid's playmate (without any facilitation from me) for at least half the time you're here. If you have the time, she has the energy....and she will make you use every last bit o' yours.
Please come play with her! Please!!!!!
2 comments:
My dear sweet ones. If it is any consolation, fear not, I will be arriving in only eight days time. Then I am at your all's disposal! Even though my time with you all will be short, consider quality over quantity. I have been doing my very best by avoiding all sick people and so far so good. If you have any suggestions, comments, or requests pertaining to particular items you would like or need me to bring with me please let me know so “that you(r) dream [will] come true” ! XOXOXOXOX
Cousin Kevie....Take your Airborne!!! I swear. If you get sick we are calling off all visitors who arrive via plane until at least March! Don't bring a thing, but your sweet, helpful self. Can't wait! Don't forget to send me your itinerary too!
Chelle
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