Why Us?

I've been asked by some if I am mad at God. If I wonder why this happened to us....what did we do to deserve this? The answer to the first, is definitely, "no". I grew up with a strong belief in God....my family & youth group helped strengthen & maintain that....sometimes I look back & wonder, was I really close to God or just close to my friends, who were close to God? Was it an identity issue? Was that relationship ever real? Over the years, I have explored other faiths (I was raised Catholic) & dogmas.....all make sense! None seem wrong or backwards or ridiculous to me. Therein lies the problem.....so many of my friends are of different faiths (or none at all), and I can't imagine that any of them are misguided. After studying (on a very basic level) a myriad of belief systems in college, I realized that there is no one path for us to follow to get to God (for those who do not believe that, I do not wish to offend....this is merely my belief). God is within us. Every day....in the air, the trees, the water, the laughter, the traffic....God is a part of this situation we are in....God who created ALL and made it so that NOT everyone is perfect. There are necessary flaws in the system. Science is God's Creation, as well. Jill's cancer is a freak gene.....a gliche in the system.....a bump in the road, one that may lead her into a ditch, but maybe not. I can't be mad at God for this. But I also cannot pray for God to take this away. I just cannot believe that God PUT this cancer here, or ALLOWED it to happen and that if I pray hard enough, he will take it away. Whether it takes her away from us or not, it is all in the plan (God's plan? Nature's plan?) and I do not believe that those who have no faith at all or who do not pray or who curse God, get less points. If we pray for this to resolve, "God had a plan". If we pray & cancer kills her, "God had a plan." Praying to God makes no more sense to me now than reading Tarot cards or meditating or employing one's inner power (as in "The Secret") to think it positively through. I believe positive thinking (or praying) makes people feel like they can actually DO something. I believe it is very important for us all to band together & support Jill & each other as best we can with our thoughts, deeds, & words. Call it prayer if you wish. Do not feel you have to ask our permission to put Jill on prayer chains or have masses said for her or to smoke Payote (sp?) & sweat it out.....we accept any and all good wishes, thoughts, prayers.

I came to quite the revelation the other day. This may sound off, but bear with me. When I ask, "Why Us?", what I really mean, is "What did we do to deserve such a tremendously heavy and enlightening experience? What did we do to get put in the very center of a HUGE circle of love and support? To receive such grand acts of kindness? To be held so tightly and breathed so deeply by so many of the world's most spectacular people????" This experience was by no means a choice I would freely make, but I do not wish it had never happened, either. If not for this terrible horrible no good, very bad thing (thank you, "Alexander"), Matt, Anna, Jillian, and I could not have caught a glimpse of the power of the love that you, our family and friends possess. Happy Hours, Baby Showers, Family Dinners, Late Night Phone Calls, Runs on the Beach, Impromptu Playdates....we love, but are detached by the multitude of daily, and very much at the time, necessary distractions that encompass our overscheduled lives! We care about our friends...and let them know that while we're working out side-by-side on the Eliptical Machines at Bally's, or during a quick "run into you" at the grocery store, or when our kids play wildly & loudly in our teeny tiny houses while we try to catch each other up on the week's happenings, or even in snappy, chatty emails shot into the dark & caught blindly at 4 am when we have a report to write for a "hot" IEP the next morning.....every one of us have these experiences. But very few of us have been CHOSEN to be whirled into the life Matt & I, at this moment, lead. It is frightening, overwhelming, exciting. I look forward to Jilli's happy moments (most all the time) & the best of YOU every day, now. It is not an experience I CAN trade....nor one I would, as wrong as that may sound. We are in this now for a REASON......God's reason....YOUR God/My God....doesn't matter. The reason has already been revealed to me, in tiny glimpses of spectacularness (is that a word?). Please believe that you are all a part of Jill's story. I'm saving every word, card, gift, photograph to be placed into a treasure box of our little Chosen One....she will always know how important her life is to the world, through all of you. What a gift! I could go on for days......but changing a diaper must bring my philosophizing to a halt (for now). Thanks for listening.

Michelle