Will & Grace

So, Jill is doing amazing! She is only hooked up to tubes (for antibiotics) a few times a day (for an hour or less). She gets infusions of platelets & blood every few days (2 hours), but other than that, is "free". And that's all that baby really needs to be over the moon, happy. For those of you who have not witnessed the Bean FFFFFFLYYYYYYing down the hallway on her push car, & screeching to a dead-on accurate stop right before someone's toes, it is quite the sight. Daily, she wakes up (after sleeping through the night, just like she always has), with a beaming grin, "I wate up!", delves into her breakfast (a couple of weeks ago, she had bacon for the first time since we arrived here...she has bacon every Friday at Rose, her daycare lady's, house...and she exclaimed, "Mommy! Rose make befest foh ME!!!"), and after a quick wipe-down, leaves this room, for a 2 hour stint of running, riding, playing hide-n-seek (you'd be surprised how many hiding places there are in a hallway), ringing around the rosie, galloping, dancing, shaking her head back & forth until she's dizzy, flirting with every human being who even sort-of notices her, going in circles & circles on her "Pee Pin" (Sit'n'Spin), and experiencing the love from the Child Life Gals in the Playroom, doing crafts, "Pay Pee-doh" (play playdough), playing the piano, and otherwise, just enjoying her happy-go-lucky life in a place that is not quite "home", but not that far removed. SHE IS A JOY. She is an INSPIRATION! She makes me so entirely happy. Beyond words, happy. Smiling wildly for hours, happy. Nothing can stop me, happy.

And this little description of my girl, above, is why I am not down about her cancer. She has taken this packet of bad news, dumped it out, mixed it up with flowers, smiles, kisses, and glitter & thrown it up in the air, so now, when it falls down around us, yes, it's annoying....it gets in our hair, it makes a big mess...but it's also pretty and unique, and Jill's own.

I was talking with my friend, Shana last night about how every day brings an epiphany for me....the "aha" moments Oprah speaks of....I get it. The pain of this is nothing compared to the BEAUTY of this. Maybe it has much to do with the person I saw myself as before cancer came to us. Among other "pleasant" things (otherwise, I guess I wouldn't have so many great friends), I was cynical, somewhat judgemental, I belabored silly points...I wasted so much energy on being frustrated or tired or irritated. Irritable. That about summed me up. I remember telling a number of close friends the first few weeks of this that the mantra that kept me up at night was, "What doesn't make you stronger, kills you." I also told Shana, that if I got a disease like this, the person giving the eulogy at my funeral would not say, "She was a fighter," but that "She gave up the minute she found out". Well, this, after the initial shock and despair passed, has turned me into someone BETTER. I have no interest in being pissed off or agitated that we have loud roomates, or that my nurse that day didn't fully understand my questions, or that the mom I met in the playroom who was distraught over her kid's diagnosis, had nothing to complain about compared to the diagnosis we received. For some reason, Jill has enabled me to see the Big Picture. To realize that every moment counts, and that EVERYONE is fighting something. That noone or thing is inherently bad......people get through their everyday the best they know how, and things happen, good and bad to keep the flow going. It's not that NOTHING matters, rather that EVERYTHING does.

I happened upon a website yesterday entitled, "Caylee's Hope". It was dedicated to a 4 year-old girl who's parents found out she had AML (Jill's cancer) 3 HOURS before she died.....a very high fever brought her to the hospital. 3 Hours. If for no other reason, we are blessed to have at the very least, 6 months to spend the highest quality time with our beautiful little girl and get to know her better. How much actual hard-core REAL time did I spend with my girls before this? I mean, yeah, I was lucky to have 2 days a week off of work with them....but how much of that time was daily chores/errands/email/phone calls/go play with your sister, I need a break time? Not at all to suggest that those things aren't important as well, but THIS being here EVERY DAY ALL DAY has forced us to experience who Jillian is. And I am just thrilled to have that chance.

So much good has come our family's way since the last time I entered a blog....I will write more about that later, but for now, I want to leave you with a quote my friend, Renee, shared with me recently.....

"The will of God will not take you to where the grace of God will not protect you."

I have never felt so protected in my entire life.